Splitting my life in two

I HATE BEING EIGHT because no one tells you ANYTHING when you're eight.

This morning we had church. And I had hardly slept a weeny WINK last night because of worrying about the DIVORCE. Would mum and dad fight over me like in films? Do i get to go to court and talk to the judge?

What if they both want me....???

....What if NEITHER of them want me???

 I was making a long list in my head of what i would keep in each house.

Mums house: Elephant (My first favorite cuddly), my jewelry box  and Harry Potters 1-3

and

Dads house: Rudolf (My second favorite cuddly), cash box, and Harry Potters 4-7

I wonder if dad will mind if he gets rudolf and mum gets elephant? It doesnt mean i love him less than i love mum.

The rest is more difficult. Where will Bilbo (my guinea pig) live?

So obviously I was tired because of making my lists. So i shut my eyes for a couple of seconds and the next minute i woke up with my mouth wide open and granny staring at me.

She told me that Jesus died for us and the least I could do was stay awake and he'd be very sad if he saw me asleep when i should be thanking him for all the dying he did.

But even though jesus had to die and have nails in his hands and stuff his parents (mary and Joseph) never got a divorce so he doesn't know what its like to try and make a list of all your Beatrix Potter books in the middle of night and decide which ones to put in your mums and dads houses.


Granny and Grandpa came over to our house and after lunch (I made mum make gravy with the stupid rubber thing so i could see how it worked) mum said we could watch Toy Story 3 which grandpa bought for us as an early christmas present.

In the middle (the bit when ken does a fashion show) I went into the kitchen to get a yakult (im ADDICTED to yakult) and granny was hugging mum. Mum was crying - i'm PRETTY sure.

I said why you crying?

Mum just sniffed and said she was fine.

Granny said "your mums overtired. Go watch your video"

"but...I.. can help". I'm the best at cheering mum up. Mum even told me so once.

"not right now darling" said mum.

They sat there waiting for me to go so they could talk about secret stuff about dad.

"JUST TELL ME WHY YOUR CRYING!!!" I shouted.

"Maddy, dont shout"

"JUST TELL ME WHY!?"

"No. Its not important"

"ITS IMPORTANT TO ME!!!"

"Maddy you'll have to go on the naughty step if keep shouting."

So I just grabbed a yakult and slammed the fridge door as HARD AS I COULD.

There was nothing to do except finish the film.

I cried at the end when Andy gives away his toys.

I'm never giving away my toys.

Divorce... for sure.

I HATE BEING EIGHT because being eight just means you have to follow your mum around a hundred shops while she buys BORING things like toilet cleaner, vegetables, shampoo and a big sucky thing with a rubber ball on it to help her make gravy.

And she isn't even making gravy today which might have made it a little bit less stupid!

DAD HASNT COME HOME. (Last night I really thought he still would... but he hasnt)

Divorce for sure, Jess says. And then she went and played her M&M music really loud in her room which is what she does when she wants to be angry. She didnt want me in her room which was REALLY MEAN because I am angry and sad too so I need loud music.

I tried kicking her door until she let me in (that works usually) but mum yelled up from the kitchen so I had to stop.

So then i went to MY room to be angry.

I don't have any proper music so I listened to my favorite tape which is The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien ... REALLY LOUD.

Jess is stupid. This doesnt help AT ALL!

I dont think ive ever been as sad as am today (apart from when grandma died of smoking). 

Even the weather and the Tiger our cat is sad. Tiger is now under my bed. I don't think she likes the hobbit.

Have to go

x Maddy

The (rubbish) phone plot

I HATE BEING EIGHT. Because when you are eight you cant do anything without a grown up knowing about it.

Tonight I tried to call dad. I dont have a mobile (Even though practically EVERYONE in my class has and ive asked mum so many times she tells me im like a stuck record) So I had to use the home phone.

I came up with a plan to use mum and dads bedroom phone because mum is ALWAYS in the sitting room/kitchen where the other one is.

Its hard being sneaky though. Mum always HAS to know what im doing and always has questions questions question!!! Have i had a snack? Do i have homework. Will i play with Jamie? Does my uniform need a wash? Does my hair need a wash? What did i eat at school? Have i made up with the girl i got baked beans all over? (NO WAY!) I can't get away from it.

So I say i'm going to my room.
Mum:- Are you tired? Are you feeling okay? Supper in a minute.

I said I was going to read.
Mum:- What are you reading? Is it for school? Who gave you that to read? Is it good? Do you like it? Who wrote it? Maybe we can get some more of hers when we go to water stones??

AHHHHHGGGGHHH!!!!!!

I know she doesn't mean to. But shes was ruining my plan. I had five minutes before dinner.

I called dads mobile. Its the only number i know off by heart apart from rhiannas (my BF).

I got a bit nervous when it rang. It rang a few times and my heart got all jumpy. which is weird because it's just DAD but i really wanted to know if what mum said is true and hes not coming home this weekend.

But then it just went to voicemail. I don't know what to say so i just hang up. I rang again just incase he hears it this time. But it still just says he can't get to the phone right now but leave a message and he'll get right back.

I couldn't leave a message. So i just hung up again.

I rung him four times in the end.

Maybe he doesnt want to speak to me anymore.

I felt sick at dinner. It was chicken carrots and peas and i ended up eating one pea at a time.

The phone rang in the middle of dinner.

Mum picked it up. "no nothings wrong" she said. "No i didnt call"

It was dad.

"Jess did you call dad four times?"
Nope
"Maddy?"
No
"Maddddiiieeee????"

How does she KNOW????

"Why did you call him?"

"I don't need a reason to talk to dad." i said.

"Usually we talk to him together though" says mum.

Thats true. Usually dad calls and we take turns to talk to him. Although sometimes (i feel bad about this) i just yell "hi dad" cos i want to finish watching the simpsons.

"i just wanted to talk to him" i say quietly

"here you go" mum hands over the phone. But shes sitting there watching me. So i just say "Hi dad hows work. Is there lots more snow in london?" and when he says there is I say "thats nice. i gotta go" and i give the phone back to mum. She tells him we're in the middle of dinner and hangs up.

And thats it.

Maybe i can get rhianna to lend me her phone... but then i have to tell her it's to beg dad not to stay in london... and to tell him hat if he loves me he will come home and take us all iceskating this weekend...  what if he says NO?????

Then rhianna would know dad doesn't love me and I might DIE!

Shock

I HATE BEING EIGHT. Because sometimes the only word that works is the F word and its banned for eight year olds.

Last night we had dinner. Dad was in London as usual so it was just the four of us. Me, Mum, Jess, Jamie.

Dinner is a LOT quieter without Dad. He always has a million questions about school and what we are doing. He makes us all laugh and no one laughed last night even once.

Jamie was being fussy, he hardly eats ANYTHING apart from sausages and beans. Mum made spaghetti and suddenly Jamie decided he hated it. Mum tried to get him to eat some, but he got all whiney.

I had finished mine so I got some from Jamie's plate to help him. But Jamie didnt like me doing that. He yelled even louder and kicked me under the table REALLY HARD so i pinched him and then he started properly crying.

Grrrrrr!!!!! You can NEVER win with little brothers. They can always just cry and mum ends up punishing me no matter WHO STARTED IT!

Mum said if i pinched again i wouldnt be able to go iceskating this weekend.

I said Dad would take me anyway.

And then Mum said in a quiet voice that she thought that Dad was going to stay in London this weekend.

Dad always comes home at the weekend. I was shocked.
Jess looked like she saw a ghost. She looked at me and her eyes went all big and i knew what she was thinking.

F*CK!

I said. Mum looked like i had hit her - not just said a rude word.
It felt good saying it. Almost like being grown up.
I know is shouldnt have done it.... But i said it again more quietly. (F*ck.)

Mum stopped being shocked and started being angry then.

she yelled "Maddy. On the Naughty step NOW. You know your not allowed to talk like that. blah blah blah. "

I spent eight minutes picking at the wallpaper at the bottom of the stairs. Mum hates it when i do that.
In my head i said the F word again and again. It wasn't as good as the first time i said it, but it still helped.

If dad really doesn't come next weekend, i'll know

he doesn't love mum anymore.

What about us? He has to still love us. YOur not allowed not to love your kids. Its like the law.

If he stops loving me. Ill stop loving him first.

x Maddy

Grounded

I HATE BEING EIGHT. Because when you're eight and say the F word you end up on the NAUGHTY STEP for 8 minutes.

When your 38... no one minds! Most people just laugh.

I'm not supposed to used the computer tonight so I guess ill have to tell you more about why i needed to use the F word tomorrow.

x Maddy

D...I....V...O....R....C....E?

I HATE BEING EIGHT... because some grown ups confuse EIGHT with STUPID.

I am NOT stupid.
(I know this because when we all got our IQ tested mine was 147 ... which is HIGH in case you don't know. The average is 100)

Aunty Sal MUST have thought I was stupid yesterday when she came over to have tea with us. I was  watching TV, and she whispered to mum and asked her if she and dad had talked any more about the D...I....V...O....R....C....E?

...I mean! DUH! I can spell! English is my best subject.

Mum at least DOES know this... which is why she looked at me when I looked around and didn't say anything.

But I know there going to get divorced.... probably anyway. Because Jess told me its what happens when dads stop coming home and work all the time. She told me it usually means that he loves another woman whos younger and prettier than mum.

Sometimes I look at dad when he's having his breakfast or something and think of him dancing about in London and kissing with a younger woman. Like a secretary with tight clothes on who doesn't care about mum. And I hate the woman. And if found out it was true I think i would hate dad forever.

(I have to cover the screen now or he'll see it. I cant let them read this now. Mum or Dad. This will just have to be a secret diary blog except Jess... Jess is my Editor)

Dad works in London but he was always home every night, usually late because the train takes him ages. But he would come back in time to kiss us goodnight and sometimes a story.

But then this summer holidays he started saying to mum it was making him too tired and he wanted to stay in London in the week.

He said he could say at his friends flat. Uncle Jay (not a real uncle but he calls himself that so we call him that too so we're not rude) I don't mind. He's really funny. But mum wasn't happy about it.
"I know what you two are like together" she said.
"What are they like?" I asked
"Shh Maddy."

I get that alot... "Shh Maddy."

Dad won. NONE of us thought he would. It sounded like the WORST idea ever! Jamie and i cried and Jess told him he was selfish... but he still did it.

So now we only ever see dad on weekends and sometimes he doesn't even get here until late on Saturday which ruins the day because we are just waiting for him most of the time.

This weekend we waited until 6! Thats the latest it's ever been.
Daddy always has an excuse. Bad trains, he had to work, he had to fix something or a friend needed him.

Mum didn't even look at him when he arrived this time. She was so angry. SCARY angry.

I felt angry too but when he got here I was just so glad that we could still go to Harry Potter i couldnt stay mad at him like mum can. I gave him a hug and then we all just went to the cinema. But in the car mum and dad didn't talk... at all!

Jess whispered to me that this is a bad sign because "communication is the base of a good marriage." (Communication is talking by the way.)

Then it felt like I could feel the marriage was falling to peices in the car on the way to the cinema becasue their base was taken away.

So then I just really wanted them to talk about ANYTHING.

So I said. "Tell dad what happened this week."

I didnt mean for her to tell him about my throwing the nose at Mrs Harris and her getting called TWICE.

They did start talking. But then it was just all dad saying how disappointed he was in me.

GREAT! Well done Maddy.

Harry Potter is a 12 but they let me in. I was nervous they would stop me.
It was AMAZING (my second fave film) but I cried when Dobby died at the end.
And I didn't stop for like an HOUR. Mum was nice at first but when i kept on crying and crying and crying she told me it was just a film and don't be silly and she wouldn't let me go see the next one in the summer if I was going to get so upset.

I stopped then but i still felt like i had more crying to do. I did some more after mum turned my light out.

It's weird. I didn't think I liked dobby THAT much.

Anger issues

I HATE BEING EIGHT. Because when your eight people trick you.

Like when dad says "Last one to eat your dinner is a rotten egg!"
Thats just a trick to make us all eat. (Me Davie and Jess)
I used to race.... I used to eat everything so fast I felt sick!
But im not falling for it anymore. Who cares if im a rotten egg? It doesn't mean anything anyway. It's not as though I'm suddenly going to grow a shell and start smelling...... is it?
I hope you read this Dad.

I even got tricked into writing this blog.

Apparently i have "Anger issues"
That is what Mrs Harris told Mum after what happened last week at school.

U want to know what happened?!

We were sorting out our costumes for the xmas play. I'm a reindeer (their are 4 reindeer) and Mrs harris comes round and gives us all plastic red noses to weare.

But I tell her we cant all wear them. Becasue there is only one Rudolf and anyway I want to be Dancer... out of "Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixon" which is from the book mum always reads us. Santas REAL reindeer.

But Mrs Harris had not even HEARD of Dasher and Dancer!!! She says Rudolf is the only reindeer she knew about.
And shes WRONG!
And suddenly I was so so angry. It was like she was saying I was lying and everyone in the class was looking at me like I was stupid. And I felt hot and like crying but instead I threw my red nose at Mrs Harris.

AND IT HIT HER!!!

And I didn't even think it would - i didn't even AIM but it made this loud SMACK sound on her cheek.

And it was like I had tried to kill her because the whole class was staring -  TOTALLY quiet.

Mrs Harris sent me to the Headmistress. Mrs Wurst... shes the worst! HA HA.

She doesn't look scary but she is. I tore up three tissues into little pieces when I told her what happened.

She kept asking me why I did it. And I just kept saying I don't know. I don't know. I dont know!!!

She told me she had to tell my mum what happened and I said please please please don't.

But she did anyways.

That's the other thing I hate. Grown ups never keep your secrets when your 8.

They tell each other everything. especially if it's something naughty I did.

Mum was angry and she told me she was embarrassed. Like it was something I had done to HER!

The next day Eleanor - who's my LEAST fave person in my class started calling me Mad Maddy.

At lunch time she even made it into a song (not a very good one) and taught it to Becca and Bethany.
They thought they were so funny! They even came up to me, they were so proud of it. Stupid pooheads.

Eleaonor was holding her tray and she still had baked beans on her plate. SO when I flipped up her tray from underneath - she got beans and sauce all down her jumper!!

Of course she went and howled to Mrs Harris straight away. (with loads of tears) Like she wasnt the mean one!!!

She said "I was just TALKING to Maddy and she did this!!" And of course Becca and Bethany backed her up. I said about the song but Mrs Harris was all "Sticks and stones... blah blah blah

Mum got called again. And I got told off again. And on the way home in the car she told me Mrs Harris says I have Anger Issues.

Mum says I have to learn to let my angry feelings out "RESPONSIBLY". But I said that if im not allowed  1) to hit people 2) throw stuff at people or even 3) shout... I didnt see how I could get my anger out.

Jess (Thats my sister by the way) was in the car too. And she said that if she could think of a way, I had to do it. So I said like - fine!

THEN Jess came up with diary writing idea - But to write about all the things I hate (i know she'd already thought of it). Its not a mean trick. But still a trick.

Mum said she'd buy me a pretty diary but I said i wanted to type not write. So Jess said I could write a blog. Mum doesn't like this as much. Sorry Mum! haha! :)

And thats why I have been writing on Mums laptop for TWO HOURS! Phew!

And im going to keep writing until I get out all the stuff I hate.

This could take a long long time!