Shock

I HATE BEING EIGHT. Because sometimes the only word that works is the F word and its banned for eight year olds.

Last night we had dinner. Dad was in London as usual so it was just the four of us. Me, Mum, Jess, Jamie.

Dinner is a LOT quieter without Dad. He always has a million questions about school and what we are doing. He makes us all laugh and no one laughed last night even once.

Jamie was being fussy, he hardly eats ANYTHING apart from sausages and beans. Mum made spaghetti and suddenly Jamie decided he hated it. Mum tried to get him to eat some, but he got all whiney.

I had finished mine so I got some from Jamie's plate to help him. But Jamie didnt like me doing that. He yelled even louder and kicked me under the table REALLY HARD so i pinched him and then he started properly crying.

Grrrrrr!!!!! You can NEVER win with little brothers. They can always just cry and mum ends up punishing me no matter WHO STARTED IT!

Mum said if i pinched again i wouldnt be able to go iceskating this weekend.

I said Dad would take me anyway.

And then Mum said in a quiet voice that she thought that Dad was going to stay in London this weekend.

Dad always comes home at the weekend. I was shocked.
Jess looked like she saw a ghost. She looked at me and her eyes went all big and i knew what she was thinking.

F*CK!

I said. Mum looked like i had hit her - not just said a rude word.
It felt good saying it. Almost like being grown up.
I know is shouldnt have done it.... But i said it again more quietly. (F*ck.)

Mum stopped being shocked and started being angry then.

she yelled "Maddy. On the Naughty step NOW. You know your not allowed to talk like that. blah blah blah. "

I spent eight minutes picking at the wallpaper at the bottom of the stairs. Mum hates it when i do that.
In my head i said the F word again and again. It wasn't as good as the first time i said it, but it still helped.

If dad really doesn't come next weekend, i'll know

he doesn't love mum anymore.

What about us? He has to still love us. YOur not allowed not to love your kids. Its like the law.

If he stops loving me. Ill stop loving him first.

x Maddy