Splitting my life in two

I HATE BEING EIGHT because no one tells you ANYTHING when you're eight.

This morning we had church. And I had hardly slept a weeny WINK last night because of worrying about the DIVORCE. Would mum and dad fight over me like in films? Do i get to go to court and talk to the judge?

What if they both want me....???

....What if NEITHER of them want me???

 I was making a long list in my head of what i would keep in each house.

Mums house: Elephant (My first favorite cuddly), my jewelry box  and Harry Potters 1-3

and

Dads house: Rudolf (My second favorite cuddly), cash box, and Harry Potters 4-7

I wonder if dad will mind if he gets rudolf and mum gets elephant? It doesnt mean i love him less than i love mum.

The rest is more difficult. Where will Bilbo (my guinea pig) live?

So obviously I was tired because of making my lists. So i shut my eyes for a couple of seconds and the next minute i woke up with my mouth wide open and granny staring at me.

She told me that Jesus died for us and the least I could do was stay awake and he'd be very sad if he saw me asleep when i should be thanking him for all the dying he did.

But even though jesus had to die and have nails in his hands and stuff his parents (mary and Joseph) never got a divorce so he doesn't know what its like to try and make a list of all your Beatrix Potter books in the middle of night and decide which ones to put in your mums and dads houses.


Granny and Grandpa came over to our house and after lunch (I made mum make gravy with the stupid rubber thing so i could see how it worked) mum said we could watch Toy Story 3 which grandpa bought for us as an early christmas present.

In the middle (the bit when ken does a fashion show) I went into the kitchen to get a yakult (im ADDICTED to yakult) and granny was hugging mum. Mum was crying - i'm PRETTY sure.

I said why you crying?

Mum just sniffed and said she was fine.

Granny said "your mums overtired. Go watch your video"

"but...I.. can help". I'm the best at cheering mum up. Mum even told me so once.

"not right now darling" said mum.

They sat there waiting for me to go so they could talk about secret stuff about dad.

"JUST TELL ME WHY YOUR CRYING!!!" I shouted.

"Maddy, dont shout"

"JUST TELL ME WHY!?"

"No. Its not important"

"ITS IMPORTANT TO ME!!!"

"Maddy you'll have to go on the naughty step if keep shouting."

So I just grabbed a yakult and slammed the fridge door as HARD AS I COULD.

There was nothing to do except finish the film.

I cried at the end when Andy gives away his toys.

I'm never giving away my toys.

Divorce... for sure.

I HATE BEING EIGHT because being eight just means you have to follow your mum around a hundred shops while she buys BORING things like toilet cleaner, vegetables, shampoo and a big sucky thing with a rubber ball on it to help her make gravy.

And she isn't even making gravy today which might have made it a little bit less stupid!

DAD HASNT COME HOME. (Last night I really thought he still would... but he hasnt)

Divorce for sure, Jess says. And then she went and played her M&M music really loud in her room which is what she does when she wants to be angry. She didnt want me in her room which was REALLY MEAN because I am angry and sad too so I need loud music.

I tried kicking her door until she let me in (that works usually) but mum yelled up from the kitchen so I had to stop.

So then i went to MY room to be angry.

I don't have any proper music so I listened to my favorite tape which is The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien ... REALLY LOUD.

Jess is stupid. This doesnt help AT ALL!

I dont think ive ever been as sad as am today (apart from when grandma died of smoking). 

Even the weather and the Tiger our cat is sad. Tiger is now under my bed. I don't think she likes the hobbit.

Have to go

x Maddy

The (rubbish) phone plot

I HATE BEING EIGHT. Because when you are eight you cant do anything without a grown up knowing about it.

Tonight I tried to call dad. I dont have a mobile (Even though practically EVERYONE in my class has and ive asked mum so many times she tells me im like a stuck record) So I had to use the home phone.

I came up with a plan to use mum and dads bedroom phone because mum is ALWAYS in the sitting room/kitchen where the other one is.

Its hard being sneaky though. Mum always HAS to know what im doing and always has questions questions question!!! Have i had a snack? Do i have homework. Will i play with Jamie? Does my uniform need a wash? Does my hair need a wash? What did i eat at school? Have i made up with the girl i got baked beans all over? (NO WAY!) I can't get away from it.

So I say i'm going to my room.
Mum:- Are you tired? Are you feeling okay? Supper in a minute.

I said I was going to read.
Mum:- What are you reading? Is it for school? Who gave you that to read? Is it good? Do you like it? Who wrote it? Maybe we can get some more of hers when we go to water stones??

AHHHHHGGGGHHH!!!!!!

I know she doesn't mean to. But shes was ruining my plan. I had five minutes before dinner.

I called dads mobile. Its the only number i know off by heart apart from rhiannas (my BF).

I got a bit nervous when it rang. It rang a few times and my heart got all jumpy. which is weird because it's just DAD but i really wanted to know if what mum said is true and hes not coming home this weekend.

But then it just went to voicemail. I don't know what to say so i just hang up. I rang again just incase he hears it this time. But it still just says he can't get to the phone right now but leave a message and he'll get right back.

I couldn't leave a message. So i just hung up again.

I rung him four times in the end.

Maybe he doesnt want to speak to me anymore.

I felt sick at dinner. It was chicken carrots and peas and i ended up eating one pea at a time.

The phone rang in the middle of dinner.

Mum picked it up. "no nothings wrong" she said. "No i didnt call"

It was dad.

"Jess did you call dad four times?"
Nope
"Maddy?"
No
"Maddddiiieeee????"

How does she KNOW????

"Why did you call him?"

"I don't need a reason to talk to dad." i said.

"Usually we talk to him together though" says mum.

Thats true. Usually dad calls and we take turns to talk to him. Although sometimes (i feel bad about this) i just yell "hi dad" cos i want to finish watching the simpsons.

"i just wanted to talk to him" i say quietly

"here you go" mum hands over the phone. But shes sitting there watching me. So i just say "Hi dad hows work. Is there lots more snow in london?" and when he says there is I say "thats nice. i gotta go" and i give the phone back to mum. She tells him we're in the middle of dinner and hangs up.

And thats it.

Maybe i can get rhianna to lend me her phone... but then i have to tell her it's to beg dad not to stay in london... and to tell him hat if he loves me he will come home and take us all iceskating this weekend...  what if he says NO?????

Then rhianna would know dad doesn't love me and I might DIE!

Shock

I HATE BEING EIGHT. Because sometimes the only word that works is the F word and its banned for eight year olds.

Last night we had dinner. Dad was in London as usual so it was just the four of us. Me, Mum, Jess, Jamie.

Dinner is a LOT quieter without Dad. He always has a million questions about school and what we are doing. He makes us all laugh and no one laughed last night even once.

Jamie was being fussy, he hardly eats ANYTHING apart from sausages and beans. Mum made spaghetti and suddenly Jamie decided he hated it. Mum tried to get him to eat some, but he got all whiney.

I had finished mine so I got some from Jamie's plate to help him. But Jamie didnt like me doing that. He yelled even louder and kicked me under the table REALLY HARD so i pinched him and then he started properly crying.

Grrrrrr!!!!! You can NEVER win with little brothers. They can always just cry and mum ends up punishing me no matter WHO STARTED IT!

Mum said if i pinched again i wouldnt be able to go iceskating this weekend.

I said Dad would take me anyway.

And then Mum said in a quiet voice that she thought that Dad was going to stay in London this weekend.

Dad always comes home at the weekend. I was shocked.
Jess looked like she saw a ghost. She looked at me and her eyes went all big and i knew what she was thinking.

F*CK!

I said. Mum looked like i had hit her - not just said a rude word.
It felt good saying it. Almost like being grown up.
I know is shouldnt have done it.... But i said it again more quietly. (F*ck.)

Mum stopped being shocked and started being angry then.

she yelled "Maddy. On the Naughty step NOW. You know your not allowed to talk like that. blah blah blah. "

I spent eight minutes picking at the wallpaper at the bottom of the stairs. Mum hates it when i do that.
In my head i said the F word again and again. It wasn't as good as the first time i said it, but it still helped.

If dad really doesn't come next weekend, i'll know

he doesn't love mum anymore.

What about us? He has to still love us. YOur not allowed not to love your kids. Its like the law.

If he stops loving me. Ill stop loving him first.

x Maddy